put some bacon on it

Rahshad: Can Can Stop rebelling!! Domesticate now!
Candace:What you talkin bout boy?
Rahshad: Lol u know what I'm talkin bout voodoo child! You are hard rock still. When you gonna quiet storm? Even butterflies land. Eventually...
Candace: Only when they have something to land on.

The classic misconception about me is that I am a perm-free, hummus-eating vegetarian, Birkenstock-wearing, nature-loving wild child. I am a peace-pipe smoking, hippie from Berkeley. I am a poetry reading and reciting artistic freak. I drive a VW bug and I have bonfires in the forest.

Hey, I, uh, how do I say this? I'm actually kind of normal.

Yes, my nose is pierced and "Have a beautiful day" is tattooed to my forearm. Sometimes I wear my hair all out and wild and I enjoy fruit and vegetables as much as the next vegan. I have an interesting collection of multi-colored shoes and silver jewelry. I listen to an odd mix of old soul/rock/hip hop/pop. I went through a dreadlock/backpacker phase. I love Berkeley. I wear a lot of cotton. I'm a Mac user?

I suppose the misperception comes from my drawing and the way I look sometimes. Maybe it is my calm demeanor. Maybe it is my perpetual single status? I've never understood why people think I am the definition of free spirit. But damnit, I eat bacon!

I have simple explanations for the things that other people build up as love-childlike tendencies. For example, perms cost too much to maintain, so I don't have one. I'm a clutz, so I don't get my nails done. Defecation is a much more pleasant experience when your steak is preceded by a nice green salad, plus the ranch dressing in restaurants is usually to die for. Cocoa butter smells good. Being naked is cooler in the summer than wearing clothes. I can draw, so I do. You know what else? I don't even like to read poetry, nor do I like to watch it on tv. I hate going to art shows. I drive a Camry. I can't stand Macy Gray (even though some people like to call me that. Why?)

How do you clear up a long-standing assumption about yourself? I do recognize that I am different from many women, but geez, most people take this natural thing too far. It's more of a less expensive lifestyle thing than a "nature girl" thing. I'm just funny, that's all. My brain works in such a logical way, I can't even defend myself against these psychedelic accusations. I have taken to staring blankly at people who say strange things to me.

So for those of you who think I belong to the Green Party and I recycle
...for those of you who think I light incense and burn candles for any other reason besides they smell good
...for those of you who think I speak in spiritual metaphors (example: "You nor I are possessions..." Well no not legally I guess because of that whole 14th Amendment thing.)
...for those of you who think I'm single because I'm so "free" or "wild" or "voodoo?"

I'm really just a Vlasic Original dill pickle eating, football game watching, shoe loving, History channel hawking, French fry obsessed, over easy egg chopped up in my grits with crumbled up bacon, coffee drinking, jeans and tshirt wearing chick from Oakland, California.

And that's kinda it. Now quit staring.