flats.

I know two men. We'll call them Tom and Dick.

Tom is so dark his voice has to be as low as it is to match the blue tone of his black skin. He is real real chocolate. He's tall, about 6' or 6'1". He’s a nice size, athletic build. Lovely smile, inviting. Hmmm, irresistible. He’s probably a maniac on the floor. Dick is the color of Golden Grahams, perfectly cooked pancakes, fried chicken, Lisa McDowell’s suede and shearling coat. He is about 6’5”. He has muscles coming out of his elbows and kneecaps. When he speaks it is like the sound of Zeus speaking from Mount Olympus.A friend and I were discussing the two of them the other day and the question of which one would you choose came up. How do I choose between molten chocolate cake and fried chicken? I chose Dick. He’s bigger.

I love dark skinned men. Correction: LOVE. But I think I might love tall men more. Now, if you’re tall AND dark, well then pass the adrenaline injection. But the taller, bigger dude is probably going to win out …. Let me explain.

I wouldn’t call it Height Snobbery. Not at this height. Consider that at any function I am attending (club, party, wedding, funeral, art show, church, etc.) I’m going to be standing on probably 4-5 extra inches of shoe, making me a 6’+, 180 lb woman with lots of boobs and thighs and hair. I’m not a petite flower, I’m a grown ass woman, sometimes walking on stilts. Dudes I out-stand very rarely approach, dudes I under-stand rarely approach. Now, that’s not to say that my body isn’t nice to rub on or look at, but it’s a lot of body. Even my feet are big. And not everybody is in to all this. Which is fine.

One of the most uncomfortable feelings I’ve had is the feeling that I can bodyslam my date. I get that feeling the closer a man is to my size. I don’t feel feminine, or just less so when a man is looking me straight in my eye on my flat feet. It’s one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” moments. This is just standing and talking. Imagine how I’d feel standing naked in front of someone who is clearly 10-30 lbs lighter than I am, looking down at him. That don't even sound right. I’d prefer to be manhandled than conquered. And although I am comfortable with my size, there are some things, such as the accidental glance at the clubgoer whose poor rhythm dismantles your “get me bodied” routine, that throw off the balance of my nature.

I’ve tried every height from 5’6” to 6’8”, cut up to fat, close fade to dreads, coal black to sponge cake, bespectacled, braces, scars, acid reflux, snoring, drooling, stutters, hairy, ashy, crusty, stanky breathed, mean spirited, broke, boring, sweet, charming, intelligent, good smelling, funny, low stamina to long lasting, no driving or too fast driving or bass turned up way to high and dude your car is rattling dude turn that shit down!

I tried. Nothing came through at any size shape or color. The best I can do, for the sake of fidelity, is 5’10”. For the sake of my comfort level, 5’10” and some weight on ya is the best I can do. Hey, if it makes you feel better, most dudes go for the thinner, shorter models. The ones who have to wear shoes to see me eye to eye when I’m not wearing mine. So there, that’s what I get for being such a snob.