stare decisis.

"I've been that dude" said a friend. My #1 had a bad day once, but he promised to make it up to me and he did. Every dude has probably had a day where their stamina wasn't up to it's usual level. Could've been they just weren't feeling you or hadn't had enough protein that day. Maybe they were too excited or maybe you just feel too good. It varies.

He could be moving all wrong or licking in your ear (IN the ear. Fellas, that don't feel good. It is akin to swimmers ear). He might have juicy lips but somehow puckers them up to the point where he's stamping your face instead of kissing it. He may have told you he'll have you climbing the walls, begging for more, instead the feeling was not unlike your favorite baseball team being swept in the 1st round of the playoffs after having the best record in baseball.

As good as it can be, it can be painfully short (however you want to take that), profoundly overrated, extraordinarily uncoordinated, dreadfully boring. It can be someone you've known for a while or someone you just met. Something highly anticipated or someone you have had your eye on from afar. Younger or older, thin or thick, short or tall, broke or flush with cash, sometimes there is just a failure to communicate...can't catch the same beat...find the right entrance.

**********disclaimer: i have another set of categories conveniently designed for this essay. carry on**********

While the first offense may not result in a conviction, a second offense or committing several offenses at once may result in a BDR: Bad Dick Report.

For as eagerly as I make the back-blowout report, I almost as eagerly, with a spirit of disappointment mixed with game-slaying revenge, make my BDR. Having to file this report means he has committed one or more of the following offenses:

OVERHYPED: Skills that have been openly bragged about. Strong come-ons with promises of impending ecstasy. Neither the supreme skills or ecstasy materializes.

UNCOORDINATED: Offbeat lopsided stroke, heavy sloppy tongue, pursed up tight lipped kissing, weak-handed firmness (dude are you holding on to me or not? for pete's sake)

BORING: is he going to do something else? what am i going to wear tomorrow? might be chilly i can wear the orange wool sweater.... well i'll watch the news for the weather then decide...damn i missed the news. the movie was good last weekend. ooh, what am i going to have for lunch tomorrow? i might take my lunch. i think i have some tuna or maybe i'll have some leftover spaghetti. maybe i'll take a bowl of cereal.... oh. we're done.

TIME-CHALLENGED: Depending on the circumstances, sex for an extremely short period of time. Usually under 10 minutes.

POTPOURRI: An assortment of calamities that make it a bad experience. These include: bad breath, Odor, Strange Noises, Strange Requests, Someone says or does something really stupid.

You may have the right to file an appeal. You have the right to come back from a mishap --sometimes. Depending on the severity of the offense. I've filed reports for:

-a guttural smell wafting from the driver's side of the Blazer that the piece of gum I pretended to offer out of pure generosity was instead offered out of my own need for relief. (sex was not involved, but the smell nullified any future connections).

-mistaking cocktail sauce for tartar sauce and telling me the child he had with his ex-fiance was planned but it took her a really long time to get pregnant so I shouldn't worry too much immediately after a faulty prophylactic event.

-being tickled by "the tickle monster" at age 31 by a fellow 31 year old. Then having to tell him I was not 5 and that the tickle monster was not a turn on.

-having to give a pep talk to a throwback for prematurely prematurely ejaculating. yes I said it twice.

-kissing someone while he needlessly moaned then realizing the dude didn't have any shoulders but did have what can only be called hips, then having to explain that he wasn't going to get any head even though he had given me some (half heartedly) then conveniently escaping into the night after his penis proved uncooperative (thank the goodness) and bowed out before we copulated. i subsequently got lost in the SWATS at who knows what o'clock in the morning. I gotsta be more careful.

There have been several other reports filed. There have been as many appeals filed, and to date, 2 pardons have been granted. The rest of the offenses were too egregious and I let those decisions stand. My friend's admission that he'd been "that dude" was honest and true. It happens, and we understand that. But sometimes the circumstances surrounding the event, not just a bad day or lack of sleep or stress, but a knack for saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time or a genetic predisposition for wimpy shoulders and lovely lady lumps, just can't be overcome. The tartar sauce event was never going to leave my head long enough to give that dude another chance. Those are the incidents that required a reassuring phone call to a friend.

Girl you ain't the only one.