silver.

If you've known me for a long time, you know I used to have this boyfriend. I loved him for a longer time than was necessary. It took years for me to figure out there was life (and love) after things didn't work out with him. And things didn't work out with him so long ago, I, well I finally figured out there wasn't going to be any rehashing or going back or anything like that.

OK so fast forward to the newsbreak: I got a text message last summer asking if I was ok. Hadn't been any tornadoes or hurricanes in my area. No earthquakes out here. Somethin' goin' on? "Did you see the pictures?" was the next message. Of what?

He got married. Oh. Well people do that from time to time. Yes I'm fine. We haven't spoken in well over two years. If she loves him and he loves her..... yada... this is not really the point.

So after the word spread through the family and friends, I kept getting the pump up: You look better than she does. She's not as cute as you. Oh, is that what she looks like? She ain't all that. Thanks, but she's married.

Facebook has given me the unique opportunity to see the significant others of some former lovers (I guess that's what you call them at this age). I'm curious enough to wonder what the next one (or the latest one) looks, what's she do, what's she like. My ego says that some of them are not as fine as me (thanks Jill). Sometimes, I'll get the reassurance from a friend, "ugh, is that who he's with now?" It makes me feel better for about 5 seconds until I look at the picture again. She's got a man. Guess who doesn't.

Knowing what she looks like doesn't give me any incite as to why her or what did she say or do, why not me or what didn't I say or do (or what did I say or do). It just gives me an idea of their taste in women as far as shape and size. I can't tell by looking at those wedding pictures if she is nice or funny, I can only assume she is. I don't know if she still checks his phone to make sure he hasn't contacted me. I don't know how soon after I left he met the mother of his child, or if he knew her while we were seeing each other. I don't know if he had the girlfriend he has now when he was trying to get me to give it up. I don't know if he found her after that last time I came home and didn't call (I never knew how he felt about me anyway).

I always think that if I get dumped, or abandoned, or if I do the running, the next chick or the one you settle down with and/or knock up, looks like Ms. Berry or Ms. Campbell or Ms. Long. I envision someone who has a built in diva fan and buns of steel, she's a brick mansion with a PhD. But they aren't superstars. They're regular chicks like me. It'd be nice if someone should find the time to say I used to date this chick, and pulls my picture up and says that used to be her. And then his girl says wow (in a damn i wish i looked like her way). I KNOW that don't happen.

I guess the instinct is to cut her down, make it seem as though he picked somebody that isn't as cool or as cute or as fly. Maybe he settled because he couldn't have me or he didn't think he was good enough for me but this one will do. Whatever his reason for being with her, he's not with me. That is the line that is at the bottom.